1. Stop buying cheap makeup. Instead, spend half your paycheck on expensive beauty products made from the blood of twentysomethings…
2. …and then invest the other half of your paycheck in a pair of fashionable yet uncomfortable shoes that will cause irreparable damage to your spine. Gotta hit that insurance deductible by the end of the year!
3. Stop working. Obviously you should be printing your own counterfeit money at home by now because it’s the fastest way to close the wage gap.
4. If you’re single, don’t stop dating. In fact, you should quit your job and open your own bar called “Literally Just Me, A Single Woman Over 30.”
5. If you’re in a relationship, don’t scare your significant other off by being ~too real~ about what you want. Instead, get a very fake wax mannequin of yourself made, and swap it out when your partner isn’t looking.
6. And if you’re married, don’t let things get BORING in the bedroom. Spice it up! Give your spouse a sensual massage using Tabasco sauce. They’ll love it.
7. If you’re a mother, don’t forget to make an Etsy-inspired suggestion box for other parents to place their “you’re parenting wrong” comments in — later, you can set it on fire and roast marshmallows over it with your kids.
8. ENOUGH with the ~fun~ blue eyeshadow! At your age you should stick to more neutral colors, like “Focused on My Retirement” and “Why Do I Have Heartburn?”
9. Don’t experiment with hair color either. Instead, try shaving a message into your head that tells people to mind their own business.
10. Never let anyone see your wrinkles. Wear a creepy clown mask instead and chase after anyone who asks to see your ~real~ face.
11. The same goes for gray hairs… Just add a hat.
12. Stop buying “fast fashion.” Your taste in fashion shouldn’t change after 30. Literally only wear the exact outfit you’re wearing right now for the rest of your life.
13. Ditch those fun printed tees that show off your personality. Instead, toss on a giant cardboard sign that says “Inoffensive, just for you!” for an easy, everyday look.
14. Give up wearing shorts. Women’s legs shouldn’t see the light of day after 30. Solution: Wrap them up in lightproof plastic sheeting every time before going out.
15. Miniskirts: Please see above.
16. Thinking about buying a crop top? Nope. Women over 30 should look like Norman Bates’ mother at all times — so put down the chopped-off shirt and pick up a chopped-up wig instead.
17. Fishnets are completely off limits once you hit the big 3-0, too. It’s time to up your game to something a little more grownup, like lobster traps.
18. Get rid of last season’s oversize sunglasses. If you want to protect your eyes from harmful rays, just cover them with your hands — those NEVER go out of style.
19. Mary Janes and other ~cutesy~ heels just aren’t okay after a certain age. Try something more mature, like flats. Actually, literally just cut the soles of your feet off so they are as flat as a board.
20. Stop drinking so much! It’s not attractive to be drunk. Try politely sipping wine then spitting it out into pretty little flower shapes all over the walls instead. Way cuter.
21. Stop eating junk food. You should only be eating ACTUAL junk — no time like the present to start dumpster-diving!
22. Never wear leggings. You are not allowed to be comfortable in your thirties.
23. Mismatching undergarments are simply embarrassing. Avoid this fashion faux pas by replacing all your bras and underwear with one very long sheet of latex.
24. Speaking of underwear — stop wearing Victoria’s Secret Pink. Instead, opt for Victoria’s Secret I’m-Too-Old-to-Give-a-Fuck-So-I’ll-Wear-Pink-If-I-Want-To.
25. Never get caught in a restaurant by yourself. An unescorted woman over 30 raises too many red flags. Instead, bring several blow-up dolls with you and learn ventriloquism.
26. Don’t try to use Snapchat or any other forms of social media — that’s just embarrassing. Stick to what you know best: parchment paper, quill pens, cave paintings… You get the idea.
27. And finally, just stop being a thirtysomething altogether. Build a time machine out of a DeLorean and go back to when you were a twentysomething.